I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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