Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
