Your face is a jimmy john
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
