so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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