I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
