fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You're like the curious george of whores
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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