The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
