I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
