Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize