Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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