I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
