U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize