we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
