I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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