so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We need to get me chipped asap
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