I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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