I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
