apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
