This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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