It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
