I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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