I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
