not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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