I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
