new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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