i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
