Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We don't watch enough power rangers
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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