Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
