I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
