New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
