She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
