If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
someone owes me an orgasm
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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