I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
