ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
