i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
