His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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