I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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