The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
