I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
worst night to have a conscience
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
