i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
