I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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