did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
