I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I can text with my tongue
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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