Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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