she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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