Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
