he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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