everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
