i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wish you could order shots online.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Sorry about my life...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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