Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
