we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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