My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I have post one night stand depression
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