Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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