I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize