My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
