i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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