the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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