i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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