We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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