so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
