so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize