In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
