i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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